“Song birds are taught to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God’s hand until we learn to hear Him… darkness is a time to listen.”
This morning I had one of those moments where I finally ‘got’ it. Do you ever have those moments when you’re praying and God opens your eyes and you are able to see something familiar in a completely new perspective? So lately I’ve been pretty caught up in a constant state of confusion (Does he like me? Does he not? Maybe? Just friends?) and I am 100% certain that I have no clue about he truly feels. However, I do know how I feel. This agony of the one-sided nature of this situation is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever experienced. Not that this guy is the first person that I have dealt with one-sidedness; I am quite sure that out of all people that I love, I definitely love them much more than they love me. (With the exception of two of my best friends [S. & A.] and my parents, whose love I cannot comprehend because I am not yet a parent.) I have always felt completely lopsided in love.
Pondering on this concept this morning brought me to remember when I realized I had been living in a one-sided loving relationship with my Father, Creator, Redeemer, Savior, Comforter- my God! He loves me so much more than I can possibly understand and I’ll never ever be able to return or match His love, which brings me to the ‘got’ it moment this morning:
I have been fairly stressed about my financial situation lately. The only thing that was keeping me sane through the past few weeks was faith that my student loan refund would arrive in mid-February. It is bizarre how seeing my account balance update from $39 to $4,259 can melt away all of my stress. The underlying problem here is that I was waiting around for the money to arrive so that I could finally feel secure. Why didn’t I feel secure all along? I know that the God of the universe- the One who holds the world in His hands- is in control; why did I doubt Him to provide for me? Why didn’t I let his abundant peace wash over me so that I could focus on being productive to bringing Him glory?
Another embarrassing example of placing my faith and security in something other than Jesus is the desire and hope for a relationship- not just A relationship, but THE relationship. You know, the relationship that is all candy hearts and gumdrops, which will take away all my problems and fill my heart with never ending joy. Of course I am being facetious, but I truly was blinded by the hope in securing a relationship with someone who I trust would provide and take care of me so that I could put many of my worries at ease. I was hopeful for him to rescue me from my singleness; I want to be secure in marriage. I want a companion and someone to share my life with, as well as someone with whom I can mutually grow in God.
The glaring problem with all of the above mentioned is that it is all an illusion of security. I cannot comprehend why I desire those things so painfully much, but what I have realized is that there is no true security in anyone on Earth, especially an imperfect human being that I will one day call “husband”. The only security in this life and the only person in whom I place my faith is Jesus Christ. I recognize that at times I may feel like I am lonely and will never get out of this season of darkness, but it is in this time that God is working on me harder than ever. He is molding me into the person He wants me to be, and I place my faith in Him.
1. complete trust or confidence in someone or something.
synonyms: trust, belief, confidence, conviction
2.strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.
“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”
“Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”